English Tea, American Coffee…

“…..life isn’t a fairy tale Kershia. You need to get over the fact that I wasn’t there…”

These were the words said to me by my father when I was 19 years old. Like many others around me, I too never had the privilege of having a relationship with my father.

Growing up without having a relationship with the very person who helped bring me into this world has been a battle I have struggled with for a long time.

Over the years I have been through many emotions, dealing with sadness, anger and denial. I was sad because I have reached out countless times to him to no avail, and the feeling of being unwanted hurts. This then led me to being angry. My anger was taken out on those close to me, and myself. I was angry for not being able to get what I  wanted, for what I had yearned for, and was entitled to. I was angry for constantly begging for something I needn’t beg for. Lastly, I was in denial for a long time. I denied that not having my father around didn’t have an adverse effect on me.

At a young age, probably around 6 years old, there was a book I often read about a father who took his daughter to the park and pushed her on the swing as she shouted higher! Up to this day I remember hoping that my father would do the same with me.

Despite my mother never denying my dad from seeing me, I felt that my Dad visited me when it was convenient for him. He left me when I was 6 months old, and moved to London, some 100+ miles away with a woman who bared my brother who was also abandoned.

I last spoke to my dad some weeks ago. I rang him and asked him if he wanted to meet up, as I believed that we needed to talk. His response; “I’m busy, I just don’t have the time”. I questioned if this was the case for the next few weeks, as I too was busy but would be willing to make time. He advised that he didn’t have the time.

“…do you want to know why I left? It was because you were rude!”
“Dad I was 6 months old”
“Yes. and you was rude”

African American middle class family from 1950s. Courtesy of SCETV.

The lack of black love today is a problem. There are countless studies which have found what issues fatherless homes cause on children/adults. Many researchers, elders and those in touch with current affairs within the black community tend to focus on the problems black males have without their father being present. Black girls tend to be forgotten.

Chicago girls drinking milk, 1950’s. Courtesy of Maggie Diaz news.

• Black girls are forced to be strong like how our mothers, aunts, and grandmothers were made to be. We are the burden of our mother’s mistake, for choosing a man who wasn’t equipped to handle responsibilities.
• We are expected to come out fine, as they did, as they too done it all without a man.
• We are unconsciously trained to do it all without a man, and made to believe that this is OK.
• We are neglected of our needs and necessities, which are absorbed by our brothers and male cousins.
• We are taught to cook and clean for a man, but fail to be taught what their real needs and necessities are.
• We are taught to put our needs, wants, feelings and aspirations aside for a man, as they don’t matter. Just like when we were young girls.

Below is what I have personally have battled without having my father in my life:

Ruthlessness…..Why should I show pity or compassion for anyone when my own father never bothered to care for mine?

Relationships….failed! Maybe I wasn’t to blame, maybe I was. Either way, not knowing how you should value yourself, or be treated sets you up for failure. There is a saying “a daughter’s first love is her father”. But what happens if you never have that first love? Who is there to guide you, to not only to know how you should be treated as a woman, but how to respect a black man.

Anger….Was there something wrong with me? I completed school, college, a degree at university and went back to obtain a post graduate diploma. I didn’t fall pregnant. I didn’t become a teen mum. I didn’t end up in social housing. Nor did I claim any Government benefits. I still wonder what more I could have done, or could do now to prove that I am worthy to be his daughter.

Resentment….As I grew older, I resented my father. My mother never spoke ill of him, considering she was left to do it all by herself, with no help, and having to deal with his on and off interest in me, like I was a living toy. Growing up and seeing what his character consisted of for myself made me ashamed of being his offspring.

For years I was perceived as being an angry black woman to men, friends, work colleagues and managers just because I bottled up my emotions, and not knowing the right way to deal with them.

I’m ready to break the cycle. Lets teach our daughters how to love our men. Lets celebrate black love. Let us love and be loved by our black men with no fear.

So dad, if you’re reading this, I do not hate you, and I never have. Your unwillingness to want me in your life, to love me, and to be proud of me has made me somewhat give up on you, and focus on those who do want me, love me and are proud of me. You have enabled me to focus on me.

You’re married, and I’m happy for you, as everyone deserves love, but what qualifies you to love someone else’s daughter when you don’t know how to love your own?

♥

I love you dad